Celebrity Shark Attack
by
Desago
As most of you know, I have a very low opinion of celebrities. To me, they are ego inflated court jesters, you use their status to influence their adoring fans to buy into their particular brand of bullshit.
With the recent tabloid news of Tiger Woods' affair and Charlie Sheen's domestic abuse charges, and their product endorsements being dropped, that have plagued ever TV and radio broadcast; I feel its time for another bitch session.
First we are going to address why people are so engrossed in the lives of celebrities and then we will address possible solutions for the future.
Connecting with Celebrities.
There are many ways in which to connect with a celebrity, I'll list a few.
Micheal Jackson
As children we become attached to those people we fell connected to, we will see another child embodied in a cartoon on Saturday morning, we will hear him singing on the radio, we tune in our TV to watch him perform on a variety show. He grows up as we grow up, and we continue to be entertained. We hear some controversy surrounding our childhood friend (though we have never talked to them, could never get closer than 10th row seating at their concerts, never got an answer to our fan mail other than an offer to join their fan club, which we did.) We still see them as that innocent child whom we felt connected to. At first we shrug it off, someone is trying to scam our beloved friend out of their hard earned money. They embody the very essence of our childhood so we back our friend and continue to eagerly await their next album or a glimpse of them on the TV or paper. No matter what we hear as the next news story breaks, it does not deter us from believing in our childhood friend, because to do so would destroy our childhood fantasy, to acknowledge any wrong doing on the part of our friend would demote him to a mere mortal and kill off that last fiber of innocence that we struggle to hold on to. We continue to support and voice our opinions of innocence of our friend. The next thing we know, our friend is dead. Drug overdose. Our world stops spinning, the sun doesn't shine as brightly as it once did. Our idol was mortal after all.
Tiger Woods
We see a cute little kid playing golf on the TV, he is 2 years old. Again the embodiment of innocence, comes into play. We play golf as well, our family has played the game for years, so we see promise in this child. Years later we see the child again, playing professionally; he wins, we celebrate. We knew he could do it. As he grows we follow his progress. We feel his victory with each tournament won, we share his agony of defeat. Here is this child we saw play golf when he was only two, we think if only we could have started out that early we could have been playing pro, doing what we love, instead of that boring dusty office we are strapped into 40 hours a week. He embodies our dream of success, we see him in magazines hocking watches and on TV, pushing razors, we see these things as his ticket to success, so we run out and purchase these goods, our game doesn't improve but we still have fun watching him win. The next thing we know there is talk of an affair, we are eager to find out if it is in fact true. All signs point to yes, as the Magic 8 Ball says. We feel betrayed, the illusion of innocence is over, our idol is nothing but a mere mortal.
Brittany Spears is another person who has been in the public eye since she was a child on the Mickey Mouse Club and pop culture videos, the embodiment of innocence. We cling onto ever facet of her life as she moved into womanhood, motherhood and finally bald headed crazy-hood. Our idol is again mortal.
Lady Diana the story book wedding to a prince, instantly connected with every girl who had fantasied about marrying into a royal family. Every girl I have ever known has envisioned herself becoming a princess by saying I do. Their childhood innocences died in a car wreak along with a mortal woman, who was once the future Queen of England.
Kurt Cameron, grew up on TV, teenage girls connected with him as the idea boyfriend, boys viewed him as a role model, millions tuned in each week to see him portray a beloved character and connected with his teenage problems, as these things mirrored their own problems. His ignorance in pushing his religious views as earned him a lot of disrespect from former fans, because he crossed the line and that childhood innocence turned to loathsome hatred.
What is it that makes you hate someone you once adored? An invisible line we draw in our minds, we tolerate certain behaviors from our friends, family and coworkers. We set up a standard that we don't cross and gage the behaviors of others by our standards, if someone doesn't cross our invisible line then we connect with them, once they cross that there is no turning back. Celebrities lose fans when they cross that line, be it extra martial affairs, drug abuse, hocking a product that a fan dislikes. Female celebrities are at the fore front of the hatred line, because to the average woman on the street who will never be as beautiful or as sexy or have a hunky stud wrapped around their finger, or have their boyfriend fantasies about so and so when making love to them. The line in the female mind is very fickle when it comes to female celebrities, they either love them or hate them.
Possible solutions
Ok we all know that when a celebrities career wanes, they start to struggle to find work, going from the A list down to the B list and even finding their selves on the XXX list. Before ending up on some reality show, as a drunken loser whose porno career was very short lived. Jail, rehab and finally death are the only options to put their name back in press, and we all know that with death, people recall the connection they once had with their childhood idols. Final releases of albums, memorabilia from the by gone era, last movies, a chance to reconnect with that childhood innocence one last time, the average person on the streets way of saying goodbye to their childhood friend.
So first off we have to put these people back into the position of entertaining us. Celebrity porn is so popular because you get to envision what it would be like to fuck your favorite celebrity. How many out there saw Show Girls with Elizabeth Berkley, or took a peek at Paris Hilton's home movie. Celebrity Issues of Playboy sell off the stands so every time a celebrity appears in a start of undress, extra issues are printed. Nude pictures of former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, while she was sunbathing on vacation in 1971, appeared in the second issue of Hustler magazine and this made Larry Flynn a millionaire overnight. Sex sells, celebrity sex sells more.
But instead of demoting our once beloved icons to XXX status we set up a Celebrity Brothel. For a modest fee you get to enjoy the company of your once revered idol for the evening. You would have a line out the door across the street and reservation booked up almost a year in advance.
On the aspect of death, we set up a new reality TV show. Where the celebrities engage in life and death struggles. Who doesn't love a good fight for survival. We would actual route for our favorite celebrity... what? You mean this has been done already? Celebrity Death Match! Oh, but that wasn't real, I am talking real blood, real death brought to you in full 1080 HDTV. I'm talking Meet the Organ Donors, what terminal ill kid wouldn't kill to have an organ transplant from their favorite sports hero. It would be fashioned after Punk'd. The failing sports star is told a dying kid wants to met him, upon arrival the kid says thank you for your donation. The sports star is puzzled but then tazered and wakes up in a tub full of ice missing a liver or kidney, laughing "Oh boy, I guess I fell for it" Aston Kutcher could host it.
Then we have Celebrity Shark Attack. Set up like Survivor, we take a bunch of over weight out of shape celebrities to an island, have then run through a bunch of huddles to get them back into shape, then have them swim 2 miles in shark infested waters. If they survive they get a new movie contract and A list status again and a T shirt saying I survived Celebrity Shark Attack. If they die, well death does have a way of busting that failed status, it puts them back in the limelight one last time, with the highlights of their death broad-casted around the world.
People would say "did you see the look on his face, when the shark bite off his leg?" They would mistake shock for fearlessness. Screams of agony as war cries. But mostly people would be entertained again and that is what counts.
by
Desago
As most of you know, I have a very low opinion of celebrities. To me, they are ego inflated court jesters, you use their status to influence their adoring fans to buy into their particular brand of bullshit.
With the recent tabloid news of Tiger Woods' affair and Charlie Sheen's domestic abuse charges, and their product endorsements being dropped, that have plagued ever TV and radio broadcast; I feel its time for another bitch session.
First we are going to address why people are so engrossed in the lives of celebrities and then we will address possible solutions for the future.
Connecting with Celebrities.
There are many ways in which to connect with a celebrity, I'll list a few.
Micheal Jackson
As children we become attached to those people we fell connected to, we will see another child embodied in a cartoon on Saturday morning, we will hear him singing on the radio, we tune in our TV to watch him perform on a variety show. He grows up as we grow up, and we continue to be entertained. We hear some controversy surrounding our childhood friend (though we have never talked to them, could never get closer than 10th row seating at their concerts, never got an answer to our fan mail other than an offer to join their fan club, which we did.) We still see them as that innocent child whom we felt connected to. At first we shrug it off, someone is trying to scam our beloved friend out of their hard earned money. They embody the very essence of our childhood so we back our friend and continue to eagerly await their next album or a glimpse of them on the TV or paper. No matter what we hear as the next news story breaks, it does not deter us from believing in our childhood friend, because to do so would destroy our childhood fantasy, to acknowledge any wrong doing on the part of our friend would demote him to a mere mortal and kill off that last fiber of innocence that we struggle to hold on to. We continue to support and voice our opinions of innocence of our friend. The next thing we know, our friend is dead. Drug overdose. Our world stops spinning, the sun doesn't shine as brightly as it once did. Our idol was mortal after all.
Tiger Woods
We see a cute little kid playing golf on the TV, he is 2 years old. Again the embodiment of innocence, comes into play. We play golf as well, our family has played the game for years, so we see promise in this child. Years later we see the child again, playing professionally; he wins, we celebrate. We knew he could do it. As he grows we follow his progress. We feel his victory with each tournament won, we share his agony of defeat. Here is this child we saw play golf when he was only two, we think if only we could have started out that early we could have been playing pro, doing what we love, instead of that boring dusty office we are strapped into 40 hours a week. He embodies our dream of success, we see him in magazines hocking watches and on TV, pushing razors, we see these things as his ticket to success, so we run out and purchase these goods, our game doesn't improve but we still have fun watching him win. The next thing we know there is talk of an affair, we are eager to find out if it is in fact true. All signs point to yes, as the Magic 8 Ball says. We feel betrayed, the illusion of innocence is over, our idol is nothing but a mere mortal.
Brittany Spears is another person who has been in the public eye since she was a child on the Mickey Mouse Club and pop culture videos, the embodiment of innocence. We cling onto ever facet of her life as she moved into womanhood, motherhood and finally bald headed crazy-hood. Our idol is again mortal.
Lady Diana the story book wedding to a prince, instantly connected with every girl who had fantasied about marrying into a royal family. Every girl I have ever known has envisioned herself becoming a princess by saying I do. Their childhood innocences died in a car wreak along with a mortal woman, who was once the future Queen of England.
Kurt Cameron, grew up on TV, teenage girls connected with him as the idea boyfriend, boys viewed him as a role model, millions tuned in each week to see him portray a beloved character and connected with his teenage problems, as these things mirrored their own problems. His ignorance in pushing his religious views as earned him a lot of disrespect from former fans, because he crossed the line and that childhood innocence turned to loathsome hatred.
What is it that makes you hate someone you once adored? An invisible line we draw in our minds, we tolerate certain behaviors from our friends, family and coworkers. We set up a standard that we don't cross and gage the behaviors of others by our standards, if someone doesn't cross our invisible line then we connect with them, once they cross that there is no turning back. Celebrities lose fans when they cross that line, be it extra martial affairs, drug abuse, hocking a product that a fan dislikes. Female celebrities are at the fore front of the hatred line, because to the average woman on the street who will never be as beautiful or as sexy or have a hunky stud wrapped around their finger, or have their boyfriend fantasies about so and so when making love to them. The line in the female mind is very fickle when it comes to female celebrities, they either love them or hate them.
Possible solutions
Ok we all know that when a celebrities career wanes, they start to struggle to find work, going from the A list down to the B list and even finding their selves on the XXX list. Before ending up on some reality show, as a drunken loser whose porno career was very short lived. Jail, rehab and finally death are the only options to put their name back in press, and we all know that with death, people recall the connection they once had with their childhood idols. Final releases of albums, memorabilia from the by gone era, last movies, a chance to reconnect with that childhood innocence one last time, the average person on the streets way of saying goodbye to their childhood friend.
So first off we have to put these people back into the position of entertaining us. Celebrity porn is so popular because you get to envision what it would be like to fuck your favorite celebrity. How many out there saw Show Girls with Elizabeth Berkley, or took a peek at Paris Hilton's home movie. Celebrity Issues of Playboy sell off the stands so every time a celebrity appears in a start of undress, extra issues are printed. Nude pictures of former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, while she was sunbathing on vacation in 1971, appeared in the second issue of Hustler magazine and this made Larry Flynn a millionaire overnight. Sex sells, celebrity sex sells more.
But instead of demoting our once beloved icons to XXX status we set up a Celebrity Brothel. For a modest fee you get to enjoy the company of your once revered idol for the evening. You would have a line out the door across the street and reservation booked up almost a year in advance.
On the aspect of death, we set up a new reality TV show. Where the celebrities engage in life and death struggles. Who doesn't love a good fight for survival. We would actual route for our favorite celebrity... what? You mean this has been done already? Celebrity Death Match! Oh, but that wasn't real, I am talking real blood, real death brought to you in full 1080 HDTV. I'm talking Meet the Organ Donors, what terminal ill kid wouldn't kill to have an organ transplant from their favorite sports hero. It would be fashioned after Punk'd. The failing sports star is told a dying kid wants to met him, upon arrival the kid says thank you for your donation. The sports star is puzzled but then tazered and wakes up in a tub full of ice missing a liver or kidney, laughing "Oh boy, I guess I fell for it" Aston Kutcher could host it.
Then we have Celebrity Shark Attack. Set up like Survivor, we take a bunch of over weight out of shape celebrities to an island, have then run through a bunch of huddles to get them back into shape, then have them swim 2 miles in shark infested waters. If they survive they get a new movie contract and A list status again and a T shirt saying I survived Celebrity Shark Attack. If they die, well death does have a way of busting that failed status, it puts them back in the limelight one last time, with the highlights of their death broad-casted around the world.
People would say "did you see the look on his face, when the shark bite off his leg?" They would mistake shock for fearlessness. Screams of agony as war cries. But mostly people would be entertained again and that is what counts.
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